With the start of 2012, I've been thinking a lot about the fact that my sweet girl will be going to school full time in the fall. She'll be in first grade. I'll have to pack her a lunch. And I'll no longer need to pick her up in the middle of the day and bring her home to spend the afternoon with me. 

It's still a long way off. But, in all honesty, I'm sentimental about these sort of things and the thought of afternoons alone has my stomach feeling a bit wonky. It will be the first time in nine and a half years that I'll been without a child at my side for a majority of the day. The prospect is all at once magical, surreal, and daunting. 

I mean, what am I suppose to do with myself?

Sure, there will still be laundry and groceries. There will still be packing lunches and cooking dinner. But, what about the moments when those chores are done? Logically, I could look for a part-time job. But, what job will accommodate a 9:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. schedule? What job would understand that I couldn't come into work if one of my kids is sick? What part-time job would allow me to not work on weekends? What job would allow for me to still be a full-time mom when I'm needed? Does this magical job exist? 

I haven't found it yet.

My solution? Volunteering. It's a great way to use my spare time in meaningful ways and I'll get to choose what times work best for me.

So I brought up the topic of literary role models the other day with a friend of mine. She works in the t.v. and film industry and is always asking me what book I'm currently reading, so I thought it would be interesting to get her opinion on the topic. 

I began with a tiny tirade about the Diary of a Wimpy Kids books and then went into asking whether or not we hold different expectations for our daughters then we do our sons. And I found myself in the course of the conversation wondering if I should really allow my son to read books that I dislike so much. I mean, is the fact that he's reading enough to out-weigh my clear dislike of the message these books? Isn't that the problem we face as parents? We want our children to read, so we tell ourselves, "Well, he's reading and that's the important thing." 

Anyway, as I was churning these thoughts over in my brain, my friend threw out a word that I hadn't even considered while thinking about all of this. Censorship. She mentioned it on a sort of bigger world scale (libraries and book stores) but it struck me that censorship exists on a parental level too. After all we as parents choose the rate at which we expose our kids to lots of things (e.g. youtube videos or rated-R movies).

So, how do we deal with that?

I want my kids to feel like the world is open to them. I want them to understand that seeking information is good. I want them to be worldly....and well read. So how do we deal with bad role models vs. censorship? It seems to me there is a fine line to walk in there and discussions to be had. 

I'll have to think on it some more.

What do you think?

I've been thinking some more about the literary role models out there for both boys and girls. And while I haven't come to any great list of awesome female role models, I have thought of one male role model that I don't love.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

Speaking as a woman with a nine year old boy, these books are the bane of my existence. The main character is lazy and rude and overall pretty worthless - as is all the other characters of these books - and not someone I want my son emulating.

My main criticism is that the humor is not age appropriate for the kids that read them. Much of the humor is lost on my nine year old and the jokes he does get are not ones that I'm excited about him understanding. And while I'm all for authors taking a satirical view of childhood, I think this book would have worked better in the Sunday morning funnies.

Do you think a book like this can exist because we have different expectations for our boys? Does the age old saying, "Boys will be boys" trickle down into what we expect from male role models of the books they read? Are we more tolerant of bad male role models because we think our sons are smart enough not to look up to bad characters? 

Are we being fair to our daughters?

In the interest of furthering the discussion of female role models please read the following for your consideration:

I for one want to know, what qualities are important in making up a role model for girls? Must a person/character be strong, intelligent, practical, virtuous, and true of heart? Could girls even connect with someone so wholly perfect?  Or can we willingly accept that no one leads such a perfect life in fiction or reality? And if we do accept that, then what character flaws are we willing to accept within a person/character and still deem them a good role model?

It can certainly be noted that culture pushes back on the "damsel in distress" imagery. But, it always seems to be with a female character who takes on male characteristics - think of Katniss in The Hunger Games who they have to "make pretty" in order for people to like her or Mulan who has to disguise herself as a man (would any man actually believe that?). The list could go on, but I hardly think it needs to. A lot of today's female characters who aren't "damsels in distress" aren't noted for their femininity either. 

Without giving it tons of thought, I can come up with one female character off the top of my head that I would consider a "good" role model. She is the heroine, Phedre, from the Kushiel's Dart series by Jacqueline Carey. She's intelligent, cunning, clever and quick while still being beautiful and desirable.  She is impressively written and one of the best female characters I've read in a long time. However, she does have flaws that some may use to argue against her being a good role model. I won't go into it further in case you decide to check out the books. *I recognize that this book (Kushiel's Dart) is more of an adult fiction, but that brings to light another difficult aspect of seeking good role models in literature - intended audience. If a character is to connect with the intended audience, shouldn't they be written to appeal to them?

Overall, I think it's pretty difficult to come up with a definitive list of traits for a good role model. So much of a character is based on personal perception. After all, I don't find Bella's to be terrible role model, but I know plenty of people out there that disagree with me.

So, what about you? Can you think of any female characters that you would deem a good role model for girls? Perhaps I'm just not well read.  Please point me in a direction if you have suggestions and tell me what you think defines a good role model.

I have a confession.

I'm a Twilight Fan.

Now, before you click back over to Facebook to delete me from your friends list, do me a favor and read on before you pass judgement.

When I first read the Twilight series, my loving and faithful husband tried to get through the first book. Tried and failed within a chapter or two. I certainly wasn't surprised. The series was not written with male readers in mind (in the same way that Playboy isn't shot with women in mind). But it seems that Bella Swan was so painful for him to read that he couldn't wrap his head around why I would like the books. Much debating ensued.

Well, I went to see Breaking Dawn a few weeks ago and so the Bella bashing has begun again and I just can't take it anymore. So, here are my reasons for not being a Bella basher.

Bella bashers (like my husband) say - She's a terrible role model for girls!

I say - 

1. I agree...but who cares? The last time I checked, Bella Swan was a fictional character. Sure, her story takes place in the "real" world, but she's surrounded by mythological creatures that don't actually exist. I have never met, spoken to, or dated a vampire and therefor Bella's "actions" have no precedent in real life. Furthermore, if my daughter reads the Twilight series when she becomes a teenager and thinks that Bella Swan is who she wants to be, then I have failed as a parent and I should be punished for not teaching my child how to properly cope with being a teenager and all the angst that comes with it.

2. Why does no one freak out about fictional role models for boys? Are there books out there I should be concerned about my son reading? It seems to me that no one worries about the characters that boys are looking up to because they assume boys look up to real men - living real lives, doing real things. Please, oh, please tell me who are girls supposed to look up to? Because it seems that girls just can't win whether they are real or fictitious. Bella Swan is too whiny; Megan Fox is too Sexy; Hillary Clinton isn't sexy enough! If you're a working mom, then you don't care enough about your kids to stay home with them. But if you choose to be a stay-at-home mom, you're not a feminist.  You're a bad example because you're playing the submissive role of caregiver. Is there a good female role model out there?

3. Would the books have been as popular if Bella was written better? Honestly, I'm not so sure and lately I've been wondering if the Twilight phenomenon resonates on some biological level. Women have been "damsels in distress" since the dawn of time, back when women needed men to fight off large predators who would otherwise eat them. It's still that way in the animal kingdom.

These days, most women don't have to worry about being eaten by a large animal and therefor have no need of a man with a large club to protect them. Women have won the right to vote; they have left the home and moved into the work place; they've taken political office and are changing the very fabric of the world we live in. But, despite all that, the "damsel in distress" character is still being written in stories, shown in movies, and acted out on stage. We are still having issues defining a woman's role as equal to a man's. Is it engrained in our very nature as humans to subconsciously recognize men as "stronger" creatures? Has culture not yet subdued biology?

Personally, I believe that the underlying theme of the Twilight books is love conquers all and that appeals to me.  I love to see love win, whether it's the love between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen or Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet or Ron Weasly and Hermione Granger. I want love to win and I don't mind if my daughter grows up hoping for that as well. That's why I'll never be a Bella basher and I'll always be a Twilight fan. 

Feel free to pass judgement.

As an academic wife, there are moments when I am painfully aware of my lack of higher education.  I've written before about the glazed over look some academics get in their eyes when I tell them I'm a stay at home mom.  Being a non-academic, I always figured that their glassy look came from the fact that I didn't have any capitalized letters after my name.  Much to my chagrin, I learned the other day that it may have more to do with the fact that I'm a woman.

We were at a dinner party a few weeks back when I joined in a conversation already in progress.  I sat and listened as a female professor spun a tale of her decade long crusade to infiltrate an all male, exclusive group of professors within her department.

My initial reaction was one of my practiced exasperated sighs and a roll of my eyes (usually reserved for Clay when he exercises his lack of common sense).  I thought, "How typical of men to create themselves an exclusive club."  And I couldn't help but think she should consider herself lucky not to be invited to such testosterone driven shindigs.  Sorry, I know that's really sexist on my part.  Don't worry the irony of me being sexist in this situation isn't lost on me. 

Anyway, as her story continued, it became more clear how completely upset she was by the whole ordeal.  This "club" wasn't just about some friends getting together and having a beer.  The men in this group are consciously choosing to not include women.  Let me be more clear.  Women, their female colleagues, are not welcome at the table when they get together outside of work.  And those male-exclusive moments are having an impact on the department.

Needless to say, my original eye-roll turned into bugs eyes as I listened in disbelief.  If some of the more intelligent people (those with PhDs) on the planet are still practicing sexism, what hope is there for the rest of the world?  How do we pass on a better world to our children when there are professors out there that exercise this kind of behavior?

I'm sorry but it's 2011, didn't you get the memo?

*In light of this and my own shortcomings when it comes to sexism, I'll certainly be holding myself more accountable.  I want to be part of the solution, not the problem.

I love the Holidays.  It's easily my favorite time of year.  In fact, I love the Holidays so much, I'm one of those obnoxious people that starts listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving.  This year it's a forgivable quality since Thanksgiving has already come and gone here in Canada.

Anyway, the unfortunate part about the Holidays is trying to divide our time amongst family.  I love being with all my family during Christmas time so if I had my way, I would see everyone.  Usually there's a lot of guilt involved (on my part) as we decide which family to visit and how long to stay, but it all works out in the end.  

Well, this year we've hit a bump in our Christmas planning.  This year is the first time academic life has come into play.  Usually we just revel in the two week vacation from school and university, but this year there are parasites to take care of, vacation days, travel expenses and time, and a half a dozen other things to consider.  I'm getting an eye twitch just talking about it.

So, right now we're stuck.  

I, honestly, can't imagine not going home for Christmas.  But I'm afraid there are a lot more things to consider this year than our relaxed graduate school days.  We've entered into the "real world" of academia, beyond student life, and now it's time to face the facts.  We're not kids anymore and we've got to make these decisions no matter how guilty we feel.  Sigh.

How about the rest of you academics?  How do you decide where to go for the holidays?  I know lots of you live far from home.  Where will you be this year?

So, Clay's lab has been in charge of the seminar series this semester for their department - which has led everyone in the lab to decide they want me to adopt them.  You see, I've been making a lot of the baked goodies for the weekly seminar that entice people to go to see the speaker in the first place.  They go for the food and stay for the talk which proves that food can be a very compelling device.

The first week  I had tons of apples around so I made apple bars and oatmeal applesauce cookies.  Next, I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookie bars.  All were good, so I'm told, but none were too exciting.  So, I decided to branch out and go for a savory option by making cheddar biscuits.  I guess they were amazing, so now I'm wondering how I'm going to top that.

It's kind of fun being the lab soccer mom.  I like feeding people.  It's such a tangible way to serve people since everyone needs to eat.  It has been good for my soul...and my baking skills.  Sure, it will be a nice break when the semester is over and some other lab take over the seminar series.  But, I imagine I'll probably still send baked goodies to the lab every once in a while.  After all, what kind of soccer mom would I be if I didn't?

A couple months back we went to a dinner party at a faculty member's house. We were suppose to be celebrating a PhD defense, but it got postponed, so we were just there having a potluck. Anyway, while standing there making small talk and listening to my kids playful screams filter in from the backyard, I picked up on the conversation next to me when I heard, "I just can't imagine having kids right now" - 0r something to that extent.  A small smile crossed my lips and I looked over to see a few ladies talking and sipping their wine.

It seems to me that at these moments the world comes into sharp focus for me.  The stark contrast between my life and other people's lives is so glaringly obvious in my mind.  Truthfully, I've always been a bit self-conscious about my path in life, but over the years I've learned to take a deep breath and enter into these conversations so I can at least tell people why my life is great.

Well, I poured myself a glass of wine and inserted myself into the conversation.  It was lighthearted and goodnatured and, honestly, I don't remember what was said.  Truth be told, I've had this conversation more times than I can count and they all run together in my memory.  

What I do know is life is different for everyone.  I've known many, many women who a young moms, staying at home with their kids, while their partners work toward their masters degree or PhD.  I've known women who hold full time jobs while their partners are in school and wouldn't dream of having kids.  I've known woman who have had babies right smack in the middle of their grad school years and didn't miss a beat.

Personally, I'm so thankful that we had our kids when we did.  Sure, sometimes Clay works long hours and money is always tight and I don't get to do everything I want to do whenever I want to do it.  But, that was the choice Clay and I made, together.  We're both committed to that choice now, and I would never want to change it.  It works for us and that's the important part.

Everyone does is differently.  And there's no right or wrong way to go about having a family.  There's no 5 year plan.  There's no more financially stable time.  There's only a sense of readiness that exists within yourself and when that time comes, you'll know it. 

I have a love/hate relationship with the concept of publishing.  

On one hand, it's amazing to think of Clay getting his research published.  The thought of other scientists reading and referencing his work is nothing short of awesome in my mind.  Not to mention, it's a hugely important step in the building of an academic career.  Where your work gets published can really set you apart from other people in your field and put you in a great spot for potential job interviews.

The other hand of publishing isn't nearly so shiny.  Clay has been editing a paper for publication this week and it's painful to watch.  He's had some long days at work, only to come home and put in more time after the kids go to bed.  He hasn't been exercising or sleeping well because his mind is constantly churning over the paper.  And there's not a thing I can do about it.  That's the really difficult part for me, knowing there's nothing I can do to help.  

I realize that I have to accept this as a part of our existence.  Clay is an academic and to be relevant within the academic community he has to publish his work.  I get it, but I don't like it.  It doesn't help that we're really still in the  early days of this whole process.  Hopefully, Clay will have many years of science to come and the pressure to publish could get better or worse, depending on where he eventually gets a job.  It makes my eye twitch just thinking about it.  And I haven't even begun to consider the craziness stress of grant writing.  I don't even want to try to wrap my head around that.

Unfortunately, there's not much for it.  I'll have to learn to endure his stress with grace and do what I always do - provide good food and be the nagging voice of reason when it comes to things like exercise and bedtime.  What more can I do when I clearly can't do the work for him?

Now if you excuse me, I need to find an asprin.